The Wedding

The other night I was lying in bed and feeling kind of abandoned, I guess. By God, I mean. I guess I was feeling like I'd been searching out God all week. And I didn't really feel any response. So, I fell asleep and woke up what seemed like forever later, but it was only midnight. I thought about what I'd just dreamed about and I felt a lot better. But I guess I should tell you what I dreamed, huh?

It was a wedding. I guess I was the bride, dressed in a pretty white dress at the beginning and the funny thing is I didn't see any of the wedding. I saw the reception. My groom was wandering around the room conversing with the guests and somehow, I'd ended up outside in the muddy forest in the rain. My veil was sticking to my hair, and then my view switched to where I was looking at the bride. Her makeup was running all down her face and she was trying so hard not to get it muddy, but it was a big honkin' dress, and she couldn't keep all of it from getting muddy. She watched the groom make his rounds and wondered why he hadn't noticed that she was gone. In all honesty, she couldn't even remember how she got outside the reception hall. So, in all this, she somehow got to the conclusion that it had to be his fault. It didn't make sense at all. But all she could think was, "Why did he leave me? Why isn't he looking for me?"

Finally, her eyes locked with the groom's through the floor-to-ceiling glass windows and he looked shocked. In her moment of inadequacy she thought, "Great, he's never seen me like this. Who knows if he'll still want me anymore." (But, they'd done everything together, so of course he HAD seen her like that. Give her a break! She was having the worst time of her life at her own wedding.) He pushed through the crowd of people and out the glass double-doors. He ran straight to her and held her in his arms. Was he always this strong? He started whispering that he loved her and she was blubbering now, of course. Her dress was ruined, as was her carefully done makeup and hair. She was mumbling into his chest, "Why did you leave me? Why didn't you come find me? Why did you leave me?" Over and over.

He didn't laugh or get angry. He just held her. She looked up at him and asked him in a clearer, shakier voice. And his reply was simple, "I never left you." At first she was exasperated, but then she realized that SHE was the one who was outside. He was still inside enjoying her meticulously planned reception. (She'd done so much work, and she was outside!) She kept studying his face and he repeated his answer in a softer tone, wiping her tears and telling her she was so beautiful. Finally, they went back into the reception and without even cleaning up, she made her rounds at the groom's side smiling and chatting happily with all the guests. And what's more? They didn't even realize her dress was muddied and browned. They didn't realize her makeup was smeared all over her face or her hair in various states of disarray. All they saw was her happiness to be next to the groom again. All they saw was the love they had for each other. Her reflection of his love. And so the night went.

I don't know if you see the relevance to how I was feeling, but it was the perfect example. I'd taken all this time to make myself look good in front of other people, picking out the perfect dress, the most flattering makeup and hair, but none of it meant anything. I'd wandered outside into the rain feeling sorry for myself and blaming God for my wandering. I had made my pursuit of God a show, even though my heart may have been right (I still wanted to "marry" him, I just wanted it to appear perfect and effortless to everyone else). The reality of a relationship with Christ is that it's not effortless. And it certainly isn't for the other people in your life to say, "Wow. Look at how close your walk with Christ is."

I honestly didn't want that to be how my week was. I really was searching for God. But when I didn't feel like I was getting any closer, I got down on myself and blamed Him for not responding to me. While, back in reality, He was responding to me. In small ways. But I didn't want Him to respond in such small ways. I wanted fireworks. I wanted parades. I wanted Russian acrobats and choreographed elephants that danced to elaborate songs. (Okay, maybe not the last part, but you get what I'm saying.) You can't see God work in big things in your life until you learn to see how He works in small ways. Not only seeing how He works in small ways, but really appreciating that the way He works is perfect all the time, even if it doesn't seem perfect to you or make your life any better.

The other part of this is that when He finally found the bride outside, He held her close and comforted her. He didn't criticize her messed-up makeup or ruined dress. He didn't yell and scream at her for leaving the reception. He was just happy that she was back. And He told her she was beautiful. And He wiped away her tears. And the best part? He gently reminded her that He'd never left. That's how she finally saw that she was the one who'd wandered away. When they lovingly walked back to the reception, no one noticed that her magazine-perfect wedding look was ruined. They didn't see her stringy wet hair that hung limply around her face or her smeared black mascara that made her look like a raccoon. They didn't notice her disgusting dress. All they saw was that she was in love with her husband. That she was glowing with His love. And that's why they came to the wedding in the first place. They knew how sacred and wonderful their love was and that He loved her so much that He would die for her (and already did, yknow?). They saw her as a reflection of His love, and that's what attracted them to her. Not her color-coordinated ballroom or her matching invitations or her elegant caterer. Not her perfect venue or the expensive engraved napkins.

But really? They would've come if they'd been married in a Waffle House. Because that's how much they wanted to see their true love. The bride was beautiful because her husband's love made her that way. Not because of anything she could do. And with that thought, I slept soundly.